We have to ban driving (satire)
Very few people realize that driving represents one of the world’s most dangerous activities that hundreds of millions of people conduct on a daily basis. After all, according to the WHO, roughly 1.35 million people die annually as a result of traffic accidents.
ONE POINT THREE FIVE MILLION.
Similarly, 20-50 million people are physically injured because of roadside crashes, whereas tens of millions of accidents occur with only material damages, as reported by car accident statistics.
Based on 2020 logic:
-In light of these statistics, We should henceforth ban driving of vehicles of any kind forevermore, and declare a new normal where everyone just walks around everywhere in full suits of full plate armor to also eliminate tripping deaths-which are recorded in the hundreds of thousands every year.
-Those who refuse to walk around everywhere all day, everyday, in full plate armor, should be denied basic services and access to public spaces. If you trip into me and make me trip, you are a public health hazard. If I wear armor and you don’t, my armor doesn’t work. Get it?
-We should also fine and/or imprison anyone who continues driving their vehicle, purchases, leases, or rents a new vehicle, or who openly defies these new guidelines for any reason. Science tells us that ‘defiance is a sign of sociopathy’ so...
-We should also censor any conspiracy theorists or self proclaimed “driving experts” who say that driving should be allowed despite the risk. (We will be speaking to Dorsey & the Zuck about this within the hour.)
-We should make it impossible for car manufactures to remain in business by levying heavy fines on them so large that they stretch the boundaries of all reason and rationality, should they not cease making, selling, renting or leasing vehicles of any kind.
It is imperative we get the right messaging out to the safety-loving people of the world without resistance. PR Messaging proposals:
This is about saving lives.
It’s the only way.
We are in this fight together.
What would Terry Fox do?
Walkers are hero’s.
Drivers are zero’s.
Your body NOT your choice.
Walkers lives matter.
It’s not ok to be a driver.
No BonJovi, it’s NOT your life and it’s now or never that you stop being selfish and turn in your keys.
Build back better.
New normal suggestions cont’d:
-To mitigate the blacklash and public outcry towards these new guidelines, We should start a public shaming campaign and begin calling those annoying freedom people (who want people to just keep on dying from driving due to their innate sociopathy) “anti walkers” or “vehicular manslaughter deniers” or “literally Hitler” and shut down all their social media, freeze their PayPal accounts, and send them death threats on a regular basis so as to prevent them from disseminating their hateful and cruel message of “I can drive if I want to” or “it’s my life” or “I have an impeccable driving record” or “there are millions of ways to die!” Or even, if they simply question our benevolent actions in any way shape or form.
-We should spend billions of taxpayer $$$ to erect re-education facilities to assist with the deprogramming process required to help people eliminate their deadly driving addictions and highly dangerous and misguided beliefs in the ‘right to freedom of movement.’
-We should locate a multi-billionaire somewhere in Davos or China to see if they can pour ungodly amounts of money into the mainstream media and into the pockets of local politicians worldwide to help us build everyone’s minds back better and save the world.
-All parking spaces will be refurbished into safe spaces.
-All “driveways” will be re-named:
-All bus lanes will be re-named “bus free-walk don’t run-zones.” (Running must also be banned due to slippage risk. People running in full plated armor might be a health risk according to the WHO.)
-You will be required to turn in your vehicles to your local ministry of safety & compliance. Failure to do so will result in your immediate expulsion from planet earth.
-Should you feel that these new guidelines are somehow ridiculous, outlandish, or borderline psychotic, just ask yourself these simple questions you tin foil hat wearing death loving lunatic:
Do you not care about the 1.35 million lives we could save by banning driving?
Do you not care about the 50 million who are injured every year by driving?
Do you not want a death-free world?
Is all you care about having the wind blowing through your hair whilst driving to the beach and humming Tom Petty without being harassed? Because in case you missed the fatality numbers...that’s the mindset of a killer.
Remember, only you can prevent death.
Join us in our mission to save lives by making the world driver-free.
Together, we can make life totally boring, highly controlled, complicated and utterly depressing.
*Nancy Pilosi voice: Oh we forgot to mention, COVID is also still a reality so it’s going to be these newly proposed public safety measures ON TOP of the COVID measures. There’s also lots of other ways people are dying so stay tuned for more updates. *drops mic due to over consumption of Grappa
CV Update and it's BAD (satire)
Guys I hope you are sitting down. The BC government just updated the CV stats &...damn this is hard but here it goes:
We now have 155 new cases.
ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FIVE.
Getting it yet? I know right!? I realize that this is an unprecedented number that most people cannot even comprehend, of people who tested positive, are still alive, & do not necessarily have any actual symptoms, but I hope you now know the gravity of the situation we are dealing with here.
In light of this terrible news, I think we should cancel Halloween, Christmas, life in general should just be canceled, & we seriously should just close every business except Amazon & maybe Costco, & also erect government run quarantine facilities everywhere possible ASAP. A digital ID would also be ideal. Experts on the CBC are predicting we may actually get up to 200 new cases. During normal flu season? Nobody could have predicted this. If that happens...damn it all. At that point I think we should start not just wearing face masks, downloading apps, standing on taped X’s & marinating in rubbing alcohol 24/7, these measures are CLEARLY not enough. No, we should be wearing full body insulated thermal radiation suits & space helmets over top of our face masks. Hand sanitizer should be switched for body sanitizer. If it goes to 250 cases...hell I don’t even know what to tell you. At that stage we will know that far too many people are engaging in normal sexual activity & have not taken the official health authority’s advice that we should be using the new sexual normal: gloryholes. I’m serious. If you’re not using gloryholes you are putting lives at risk ok??. Just ask yourself: what would Jesus do? What would the Buddha do? What would Bill Clinton do? I’ll let you just sit with that until your conscience kicks in & you come to know (no pun intended) that gloryholes & space suits are the only truth.
I think at the 250+ cases stage, we should just start putting barbed wire fences & laser guided/movement censor controlled machine guns around everything fun & social. Its also important we bring in more surveillance drones or we are totally screwed. It’s the only way. The stupids that are just not scared enough of rising case numbers on the TV screen determined by PCR tests, need a serious reality check. They keep talking about “freedom” & “stop censoring doctors” & “I choose to not live in fear” & “think for yourself” or even spurious nonsense like: “what about the suicides & mental health crisis” & other such conspiracy theorist/nazi buzzwords. These “people” are openly ignoring the clear signs of more cases. We should just silence & arrest them all to protect people’s minds from dangerous ideas that distract from the case numbers which are now in the HUNDREDS. What other choice do we have? It’s all or nothing folks! Our media generated anxiety should determine the laws for everyone else for the rest of time!!